I’ve just turned twenty and it seems I’m always going to be mediocre.
I was brought up with a strict work ethic. My Asian mother attended a military-style Chinese school where academic achievement was everything, so I was made to do maths for hours when I came home from primary school. I would be shouted at if I didn’t understand. I was constantly being compared to the Chinese children of other families we knew. I was never good enough.
I didn’t stand out until high school, and then I was seen as a big fish in a small pond (quite a rough school.) I aced my exams (had Maths tutoring to make sure I got an A.) Then I interviewed at Oxford, but didn’t get in. My dad never got over it. It’s become an obsession with him. He said to me, “You didn’t get into Oxford, so the best thing you can do now is to get a First.”
I go to the University of Bath and I’m studying French, German and European Studies, but I don’t feel like I’m doing well enough. It’s not a level playing field, I know- most of the other students are either partially French/German or have lived in these countries for most of their lives, or attended international academies. I come from a state school where they purposely didn’t teach basic grammar concepts ‘because it would scare the kids away from learning languages’. I’m not failing by any means- I had a low First in my first year and am on track to getting a low First this year too.
But I can never, EVER feel content with my achievements. I struggle with French and feel like I’ve plateaued- I don’t think I can get any better at it. But this has happened every time I try something- gymnastics, ballet dancing, ice-skating, musical instruments. I could have taken English as a degree and found it far easier, but I wanted a challenge.
I’m not outstanding at anything, and I want to be outstanding at everything. I hate the thought of dying without having left some solid legacy to be remembered by, something people will recognise and remember me for.
I’m also coping with a mental issue and when I get sad I feel so worthless. I wonder if there is a new way to look at things’